That time I was Olivia Rodrigo
Good news, my boyfriend just reconnected with his ex.
Bad news, she’s wayyy cooler than me.
Like, way cooler. She’s building a house from scratch in Mexico, traveling to Taiwan to learn pottery making from a master, and went to Kosovo for a mural painting festival. She’s creative, fun, can easily connect with people. She has an epic fashion sense. And she’s stunning…
In short, she possesses many qualities I aspire to. This ex, or my imagination of her, feels like a giant. Standing in front of her, I feel small and naked. All my pretense and mediocrity, this giant sees through and laughs at.
I thought it was jealousy, then realized it wasn’t. I was happy to see his broken bond mended and happy for how much she is inspiring my boyfriend to be a better version of himself. I even asked myself, “what if he wants to break up with me and get back with her? Would I be okay?” I was surprised to hear that the answer was yes, relieved to know that I genuinely love this person. So it’s just my insecurity that I need to face. I couldn’t find a reason for him to be in love with me over this perfect (imaginary) person. I wanted to ask him why? Why me?
But I decided not to ask. The answer to that question would be like antibiotics, which kill both good and bad bacteria. The bad bacteria would be all the doubts, all the questioning. But the good bacteria I hope would come out of this process is me feeling enough by myself. I wouldn’t want my security to be conditional - “because you were more XYZ, I love you more” wasn’t the answer I was interested in.
This insecurity weighed like a dark cloud over my heart for a few days. Then I went to Kaohsiung to see a friend. She took me to a beautiful forbidden seaside with the sign “Don’t enter, legal consequences.” It was untouched. Only an old man in his blue underwear was doing Tai chi or something. As I dug my feet into the sand and got washed away by the ocean, my heart suddenly felt full. “I’m lucky,” I thought. I’m lucky to have money to travel from North to South Taiwan for a trip, have time to go to the ocean, and have eyes and a functional body to see this beauty. My life is full.
It clicked. Even if I wasn’t some hip, intensely creative, well-traveled, pretty American, my life is enough. My canvas of things-to-give-a-f*ck-about has enough love. Adding an imaginary ex to this painting feels redundant. I got washed away with gratitude for so many things. It surprised me that was how the cloud over my heart got lifted. I thought it would be some important self-realization of “I’m enough on my own.” But it wasn’t ME that needed to be enough; it was all the things that are not me that make my life overflows with love - family, friends, nature, and a stable income that enables more choices.
”I’m lucky”, and you are too, Olivia.
This is the first blog in 30-day publishing challenge I’m doing with MỞ - Mơ và Hỏi | Facebook’s course, Writing On The Net 2 (#wotn2). I’ll publish everything on this Notion page and Substack, and send a summary of 7 posts on Sunday.
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Enjoy this journey. It is ok to be scared, to be in-secured... As long as you are true to yourself, listen and embrace yourself.
You are blessed and you are lucky, sis!
And then, somebody will step into your life and appreciate (even more than you) all the things you're having right now and will be having in the future. Self-love is a kind of attraction, sexy and glowing by itself.