Week 12 of being creative

Writing + script ideating + doodles 🐶

First time writing about my professional work

I did not like my job starting out - it’s a corporate sellout job, no more or less. And surrounded by inspiring passion-oriented friends, I wonder if I was a coward and making the wrong choice for financial safety?

Now 3 months in, I really like where I’m at, and it’s mostly because of the people. My colleagues made me exclaim, “You’re such pleasant people to work with.” They’re not necessarily THE BEST engineers, but people I see being teammates with for a long time.

So I wanted to write about what I learned from the people.

But of course, imposter syndrome hits the fan. 💩 💠

I agonized over whether I was good enough of an employee to write a post like this. Is it pretentious to show something I haven’t mastered? What if my colleagues actually think I’m a terrible teammate?

This is another value I find in writing, and writing honestly - it makes me confront assumptions I have about myself, corners I adeptly hide from the world because I want to present as a strong, confident person. It’s an uncomfortable process. Negative thoughts that previously murmured now shout at my frontal lobe. But hearing them louder allows me to address them better.

1. Ask myself why I’m feeling that way

   Step 1: “Ahhh it’s so hard to write about this. Why am I so lengthy in this part? I sound like an idiot here. Did I actually do this?”

   Step 2: “Ok, so clearly I’m thinking I’m not good enough for the job yet.”

   Step 3: “Alright, that’s called imposter syndrome.”

   Step 4: “We don’t have a solution yet. But now I know every time I hear that thought it’s just another thought.”

   Step 5: “Ok, how do I gather actual information to know if I’m actually meeting expectations or not?”

   Step 6: Curate questions for 1-1s with colleagues and managers.

   Step 7: And it gets better from here

2. Re-angle my blog’s approach

   So I can’t position my post as some expert in the field. How can I make it comfortable and authentic to write? I jot down my new goal for this post like this.

This is purely “write for me,” zero-part “write for readers.” But even this as a starting point makes my voice more confident and coherent. I’m also leaning into what Nick Joseph, a BTS choreographer said, “I don't need to determine that I'm worthy of the opportunity. [..] If I'm doing a job and I don't feel equipped, either I'm already equipped but not know. Or I will be in the process.” Having the privilege (time, headspace) to write on the internet is an opportunity. Having a few frequent readers is an opportunity. Writing for (more) readers is something I will get more equipped with along the way.

The blog is in its final draft revision. You can view the draft here.

Scripting ideation

I’m confronting one fear at a time woohoo.

Filmmaking is another area that I have a huge desire for and an equally huge resistance against.

I remember going out at 6 am and coming back from a filming day at 12 am in the rain. Yet I was so inspired and felt alive. I know it’s in me to like filmmaking. That it’s the closest to a “calling” I’ve had.

But after a producer assistant internship and a career pivot, I haven’t really made any video since. So I’m getting back with a collab with my friend Shenghan. We move slowwwwwwww 🐢. But I’m happy about it, it seems like a form of care too.

I spent an evening watching short films and jot down ideas I had while watching them. Just random fun brain explosions. 🧠 💥

Doodles

Lots of doodles. It was grey and rainy in Brooklyn last week. There were days I woke up dreadful, and my instinct said “I need colors.” So I drew and drew. On Sunday, I spent 2 hours just drawing and journaling. That filled my depleted energy tank.

ahihi not me being artsy

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This is the week #12 update of my daily creative challenge, as outlined in the Re-manifesto of this blog. I’m inspired by MỞ - Mơ và Hỏi’s course, Writing On The Net 2 (#wotn2), and all my friends who write and create consistently!