Why I write

My last public blog was in August, 2018.

I've wanted to put out creative works for a while. I write, but have been crippled by the fear of what it means to share thoughts in this way. Here are several reasons that stopped me, my response to them now, and why I decided to put my writing to the world again.

1. My writing won't add anything new to the world.

I dislike most self-help books. Those scripts try to convey wisdom but often fall into a cliche or repetitive verses, offering very little substance. I genuinely believe that all wisdom that should be said has already been said. Humans are simply bad at internalizing written wisdom into our own. In my eyes, this is the main difference between knowledge and wisdom - the former you can digest, the latter you have to experience.

So why can I, a know-nothing 22-year-old, be so confident that what I write will not add another noise to this world, already overcrowded with information?

Response:

This summer, I read my first poetry book - Time is a mother, by Ocean Vuong. I cried more than once. What struck me was that he talked about things I already know, feel, and think a lot about - the freedom and entrapment of being brought to this world, chasing aliveness, and observing little things.

But with his words and how he moved about, he opened new portals and ways to experience the same concept. As I read this line

"What if it wasn't the crash that made us, but the debris?"

I stopped and sobbed for a whole 5 minutes. I still cannot fully explain why it touched me that way, but it felt like this line tore through the pages, trespassed my eyes, and pulled a new window into my soul.

Maybe, just maybe, I hope my writing can do the same. Often, thoughts that changed/ inspired me didn't come from bullet-point self-help or hyper-academic texts; they came from people around me, from experiencing and reflecting. By laying my observations bare, molding them with the endless magic of words and metaphors, I can open new portals, too, hopefully.

proof that I simped over this one line of poetry =D

2. Publishing hinders my honesty

I remember the day I marked all my previous posts to private. I read a comment on a blog that was very personal. It wasn't a mean one, it just made me feel grossly misunderstood. Reading personal accounts gives people I barely met the illusion of knowing me deeply, while they don't.

But it wasn't the comment alone. It was the cherry on top - feeling like I needed to filter if I were to let people perceive me through my writing. A published article often requires a story arc - the hero faces deep troubles, goes on a quest, and comes back in victory with newly gained wisdom. Many blogs often end with "Moral of the story is….". 

But I can't fit in that arc, not with every topic. There are many things I write in my journal - anger towards this person, jealousy toward another, a rumbling but permeating dissatisfaction at times. Often, they don't get resolved in one sitting. Writing only helped to capture and process. But if I were to publish, I (unconsciously) tried to look better, to come up as more self-aware, wise, and "edgy." The whole process made me self-conscious.

Response:

I don't have a good response yet, nor a mechanism to fall back to when I feel my authenticity is being threatened.

One thing has changed though - I can deal better with comments. I don't write with the need to be understood anymore. So whatever a stranger decides to perceive and react, it's out of my control, and I'm mostly fine with that. Not to say I won’t respond to conflicting ideas, but that I won’t react.

I will put honesty as the highest policy with this blog, and hope that my intention & weekly reflection will carry me through. Friends, please also catch me if you sense pretense.

3. It's a selfish desire

So if it's not to feel understood, nor to share wisdom, why do I write?

Response:

It's for me. Publishing forces me to have higher standards for my writing. To be more concise, creative, and engaging. It's an exercise to consolidate and connect the dots. Would be wonderful too, to have people responding to those ideas.

Friends inspired me by how they connect with cool people via their writings (one even got a boyfriend from her blog!). A blog serves as traction for the like-minded.

Weighing the cost of adding noise to the world and the benefit I'll gain, publishing seems like a selfish decision. But let's hope the cost would lower through time - I'll output actual values and connect with people in new ways.

4. It simply sucks to realize that ….I suck.

I'm aware I use too much "feel", "like", "I" in my writing, that the metaphors I strive for still seem forced, my word choice sometimes aloft. It sucks, to know that I suck in writing….

Response

…for now. I can improve, and I will. One big lesson I learned from the tech world is the iterative approach to everything¹. I'll focus on putting the work out there, get friends' feedback, iterate, and move on. It's difficult to swallow my ego whenever a friend gives (constructive) feedback. I cringed so hard when my friends watched the first video I made. I knew all the reasons why the video was bad. I just didn't want to hear the confirmation from someone else. But after hearing all of that, thanks to their kindness in how they put it, I'm still okay. And I had more clarity on what I needed to work on.

So here I am. In responding to the reservation, I answered what I wanted to get out of the blog:

• Master the craft of writing.

• Attract people who resonate with

• Push myself to be more open and honest.

I appreciate our crossing paths, and you care enough to swing by. Till next time.

1. I’ll write about this later. A topic I’m very passionate about.